I’ve had three babies and with each one they all taught me how to love a little more deeply, what sacrifice means but those things were nothing compared to the love God was teaching me through the passing of my sister. I have a lovely sister; she is six years younger than myself. Almost two years ago she was diagnosed with stage III cervical cancer, it quickly spread to stage IV, in the end it was in her liver and outside of her small and large intestine.
I thought I knew what sacrificial love was but I was wrong, I knew lack of sleep, giving up of my time, sharing my meal, having my closet raided, or my socks taken, those were sacrifices I was used to (the raising of children). Sacrificial love is much deeper than those things it is relinquishing control, it is giving up your space, it is forfeiting the things that comfort you, the area(s) of your life that reassure you-you are in a safe place, and ultimately the things that you secretly worship (unknowingly) because you have retained control. God began to show me how selfish I was when I was caring for my sister in her finally weeks, He began to break walls down in areas I didn’t even know existed. I had no idea how many places selfishness could hide… When you watch someone slowly die, each day there is suffering, each day there are tears, each day there are questions of why (and you can’t answer), each day you watch someone you love fight like hell to stay alive as her body is dying but her mind stays intact… you tend to want to sink into selfishness, thinking about yourself, cocooning yourself in a softness that eases the blow of what you are enduring.
People all around you tell you take care of you but what does that mean when you are staring into death with someone you love? There is no “you” in love, there is no “I” in love, what is taking care of self in a time of crisis? Taking care of me was taking care of my sister and my mother that was taking of myself but oh the bitterness of realizing how selfish I was as I grumbled about the task before me, grumbling about things underneath my breath… grumbling out of frustration, grumbling out of anger, grumbling because I couldn’t fix things, and grumbling because I had to sacrifice… that is a raw description of me and it’s not pretty. Death is an unwanted invasion, an assault not only on the body but on the mind and it affects everyone in it’s path… but even in death there are lessons to be learned because God is always talking, always revealing Himself to us, and things that keep us from His fullness. Difficult words to understand but truth. Lessons…
It’s getting up and having the t.v. blaring even though you are used to silence, it’s eating alone because you can’t eat in front of someone that is starving because she can no longer hold food down because she has no bowel sounds, it’s having your house turned upside down and your kids routines off because you have been chosen to be a safe haven where she can find true rest and have love surround her, it’s making sure the dogs are put up so they don’t wake her when she sleeps (which was 90% of the day), it’s sitting through fairytale movies for the 100th time because it makes her happy, it’s sponge bathing your sister and positioning her head so she can throw-up because she is too weak to do it herself, it’s cleaning her puke ten times a day, it’s changing her multiple times a day, it’s making sure she smells good and sharing your perfume, its positioning her legs, rolling her, and making sure the covers are not on her feet, its setting your alarm between 330-4am everyday so you can start your shift, its sleeping with your bedroom door open so you can hear her call out in case your mother falls asleep, it’s comforting her as she cries, terrified of death, terrified she isn’t good enough for God to receive…. Death takes you out of your comfort zone, it makes you rethink what selfish behavior is, it makes you confront the areas of yourself you have ignored.
Love is messy, it is uncomfortable at times, and it most certainly requires you to be sacrificial in ways you can’t imagine. It demands you lose self and all the things that feed in to self(ishness), that includes losing this romanticized ideology of love and death and battling it out in servanthood.
I have learned that when I tell God all that I have is His that includes my space… the place where I find comfort, the interstellar universe of the home I have created, the atmosphere I cherish the most, the place my freedom is most felt because in surrendering that to God, I have learned you will be uncomfortable, you will lose your liberties, it will be unpleasant at times, and it will be difficult. Why? Because “self” lingers in those things we hold sacred… home is a hollow a ground we dare not share, we dare not sacrifice… To love someone means you are willing to let go of your consecrated ground and invite them in making a shared dwelling where they feel but more importantly a place they experience your comfort, freedom, and love… that will cost something… love always does.
Matthew 22:21 Jesus said “render to… God the things that are God’s”