Sometimes a season of rest is neither about how well one does a task nor ones inability to perform a task but rather the act of actually resting in self-care. God has allowed me to get off the merry-go-round but that doesn’t mean I can’t get back on it in the future.

When it feels as though something is taken or we are asked to give something up, we immediately ask “what did I do wrong?” as if God is punishing us. While God will correct us at times we must remember seasons of rest are about quieting the noise about and within us so we can recover by renewing our energy and enthusiasm for the task ahead.

In truth, I find a season of rest daunting and terrifying a little. In theory I find it appealing and desirous. I am a worker bee, I enjoy the work, it gives me identity, purpose, and focus but in reality the work does not bring me those things – only God does.

My body has served me well for 45 years, allowing me to push it, take advantage of it, and at times only meagerly care for it. Now it has asked for time to transition through chemical changes created by fluctuating hormones and fatigue. In truth my first response was no response at all but a reaction to push, demand, and pull it to what I wanted. Then my body like a rogue wave crashed upon me, knocking me to the ground, still I got up in fierceness reacted by demanding it do my bidding. Again my body knocked me down to the ground after two months of this I felt I would surely drown if something did not change. And deep down I felt stupid, weak, and ashamed for needing a break. I am after all a PILLAR! Pillars don’t take breaks.

Then God ever so lovingly but firmly said, “It is time LaNissa.” I said, “no surely not see the difference my working is making, its what You gifted me for, what I trained eight years for, this has to be a trick from the enemy.” Again God spoke to me by my inner and outer circle of people confirming that God indeed was directing me to a season of rest. And again I heard ever so lovingly but firmly, “It’s time LaNissa.”

I cried and cried, I had a sway of emotions over take me and God allowed me to mourn and then ever so lovingly, He said “this isn’t a punishment or forever but MY gift to you, all will be well. You have worked diligently and you have completed the task set before you.”

When I looked up from my sorrow, tears streaming down my face I realized God had graciously provided me with multiple people that enclosed me within a tight circle to shelter me (from myself) as they all tenderly walked me to the place I desperately need to be at (and it wasn’t an easy walk because well I am me after all). They all spoke ministering words that soothed my broken heart and weary mind. They assured me all would be well and one day I’d be fit for the merry-go-round again but until then to enjoy my season in the beautiful meadow of rest. A place were Daylilies bloom and nightingales sing, a place where the warmth of the sun will fall on my toes, a place I can howl under the moon, a place to enjoy fire pits and gather those near to my heart to make memories that will never fade. And a place to seek healing.

So I found myself walked to entrance of the “season of rest” and the door pulled open and before I knew it I had stepped through the looking glass. And I sit wide-eyed in this new season of health, renewal, and kindness to myself, wondering, pondering, and resting.