This is the second death in less than five months I have had to endure and there is a gloom in the air at times. The sky is grey today and it is softly raining, befitting since my father passed away this morning. Still I am a girl hopelessly dreaming, seeing the extraordinary in the ordinary, a girl that sees God moving even in death. I am my father’s daughter and when I was growing up people knew when I walked in the room whose daughter I was especially with my red hair, the only kid that had his red hair (more white now than anything). Oddly I was not a daddy’s girl but a momma’s girl but still I am my father’s daughter, no mistake about that.
The last time I saw my father was about five years ago and he didn’t recognize me. I recall someone telling him, that it was his daughter, he was confused at first, it wasn’t registering… you see that is the life of an addict. His ammonia levels were so high it was causing disorientation… after he was hospitalized and drained, he recognized me, hugged me, the niceties of family. My father was a good man, a caring man, a generous man, a man that would give you the shirt off his back. He had a fierce temper though and it wouldn’t do to cross him. He wasn’t always an addict, there was a period he was sober and clean, he renewed his relationship with the Lord, was very active in our church, did tons of outreach programs, and was even a deacon in the church. Addiction is a disease that is not contained to just the user, it is a disease (and it is a DISEASE make no mistake) that seeps out grabbing at the users family, sometimes it is a soft sprinkle, but often times it is a down pour of disappointments, mistakes, regrets, apologizes, selfishness, tears, and so the list could go on… My children did not get to grow up knowing how wonderful their grandfather was because his addiction kept me at bay most of their life, I could not risk exposing my children to that type of environment. During his life my father did all kinds of drugs but in the end, alcohol was what consumed him. His liver was shot and the doctor was certain he had liver cancer. And that was the end of the conversation for my dad, he would not treat it, not consent to a biopsy, that was it… You did not argue with Red Man, he was force to be reckoned with.
My parents divorced when I was very little; therefore, I am a product of divorce and I say product because I do not consider myself a victim, still I have been WELL loved through out my life. It has not been a perfect love because only God can offer a perfect love but I have been well loved by both of my parents in their own unique way. I am stronger for all the experiences I have accumulated throughout my life and I am now able to draw from them to reach others. I am proud of the man my father was, despite his addiction. He was a good man consumed by a disease, gone too early and the earth will miss a genuine soul being taken prematurely.
My father taught me many things but a few of the most crucial things he brought to me was 1. A love for Jesus, he planted a deep seed of faith within my heart for the Lord and I will forever be grateful to him for that 2. To work hard, being a girl doesn’t mean I cannot do it, and to accomplish anything worthy in life will require hard work, not to be afraid to get my hands dirty because I am not above dirt and grime. He could be rough, down right tough on the lessons but I am better for the ware. 3. To give, help others, he was always helping someone, my motto is help those you can, stretch if necessary, and pray for those you can’t reach at all…
My heart is deeply saddened at my father’s passing, but I know he was ready, he had made peace with God, and his body was failing, he was ready. However, it is a profound loss as a child because even at 43 years of age I am still someone’s child, that one of my protectors is gone, one of the people that would jump in front of a bullet for me is gone. The last words my father said to me were “I love you,” through his wife, days before he died. Each year he would call me on my birthday and sing the Beatles song “today is your birthday, its my birthday too…” I will never hear that again in this lifetime and that cuts a little, it really cuts deep. Heaven… heaven lives in me, not just because I am a believer but because it holds pieces of my heart.
The sun weeps today, the wind howls, and my world shakes at your passing today but tomorrow is a new day, the sun will rise, the wind will be a gentle breeze, and my world will steadily go on, knowing I will see you again one day.
Psalm 4:8 “I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Love you forever daddy…
Good Evening…
John 16:33 “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”