As we approach the celebration of Easter I am aware this is the first time in over a decade I will not be working as a lead staff member at church, not even as minor staff member for that matter. While my heart is a little sad I know my spirit needs this season of rest. I will be celebrating Easter at home this year, not because I don’t believe in church, I believe in the Body of Christ with all my heart, but we are do a quiet reflection on Easter away from church this year. To be brutally honest partly because I don’t want to go into a church as an Easter percentage (clergy get what I mean) and partly because I don’t feel I need a sermon preached at me concerning Jesus’ sacrifice. I am after all an ordained minister, a pastor, and a bible teacher… I am well aware of the meaning of Easter. I ‘ve taught on it for over a decade as a youth pastor and an associate pastor.

I debated on writing an Easter blog, there are so many great blogs out there already concerning the importance and significance of Easter. So, I thought I would share part of my personal relationship with the Lord. In my personal study I am in the book of Leviticus (it’s not for the faint of heart no matter how many times I read it) and in my corporate study we are in the book of Matthew, slowly going over every verse, studying the time era in Israel, the customs, and so forth to get a good picture of the entire meaning of the scriptures. While I am not actively working at church each Sunday,  I am still actively teaching weekly; thus working with a church, in an outreach ministry.

Anyway,  I’ve heard people say throughout the years they don’t like the Old Testament because grace is not as easy to see. But it is there, always it is there. The older I get the more difficult time I have with studying a male dominated society that treated women like second class citizens. Leviticus isn’t for the faint of heart. There are times I have to ask God to help me see His love within the passages that sit before me because my vision is too weak. God never hides Himself, when we seek Him, He will reveal Himself. (Even in the book of Leviticus!)

For so long I viewed the internal working of my heart and mind like a creepy, horror flick with a long hallway and lots of doors. You never know what might pop out, is it resentment, lack of anger management, bitterness, jealousy, or uncontrolled words. Who knows what is lurking in the recesses of my heart and mind? For a long time, I prayed that Jesus would be the light in each of those rooms uncovering anything hidden behind closed doors or in my secret closets so there would be nothing between Him and me.

During prayer recently, I had a new vision. God is a builder and He builds on what we bring Him, often times, He will remodel because there is such a great need for it. No longer do I view the internal workings of my heart and mind as a creepy horror flick of a long hallway with closed doors. Instead I see the room in my heart and mind as one huge open space connected in the most beautiful fashion, there are no closets because there is nothing to hide, everything is out in the open. The most incredible light shines in that room with such an easiness and comfort accompanied by a peace that only the Lord can bring.

I don’t need Easter to remind me of what Jesus did for me but I understand  many do because they forgo a daily relationship with Him for Christmas and Easter visitation only.

Jesus died to save us, death could not contain Him. He was resurrected because He overcame death. He came back to rescue us. It sounds like a beautiful myth, like something out of a fairytale. Fortunately for us Jesus is not a beautiful myth. He is real and ready to save us. There is no situation that God won’t walk into, to get to you. There is nothing too slummy, nothing too profane, or offensive that God won’t endure to get to you. He endured humanity (at it’s worse), He endured humiliation, He endured rejection, He endured torment, and He endured death… Why? To get to YOU!

That love is supernatural. That love surpasses all the things we get ourselves into. It trumps whatever we are hiding in our closets. And it strips all religious expectation and limitation. Ponder on that for a minute.

John 3:16  For this is the way God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

Good Afternoon Ladies and a Happy Easter!

PS. While I cherish John 3:16, John 20:29 brings me comfort… because believing can be so difficult at times… take a chance on faith… ( I wont lie as I write take a chance, Abba pops in my head and I can hear the words, “honey, I’m still free” with that disco dancing rhythm. just keeping it real)

John 20:29 ²⁹ Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are the people who have not seen and yet have believed.”

Disappointment, Frustration, Regret have been the topic of closed private conversations I have had with several women throughout the last month. I’ve had my own share of disappointment in life but I think we all do. All the disappointment we endure that become little shards of glass cutting our heart one tiny paper- thin slice at a time until we wake-up and realize our heart is in shreds and we can’t fixt it-that there is no quick fix to undo all the damage we’ve accrued during our life. Broken hearts needing mending and shattered spirits needing up-lifting.

We are not bound to live in disappointment or brokenness, God desires more for our life.

In my own life there have been times I have had thoughts of walking away from ministry all together, to stop teaching and live a quiet life. To avoid disappointments, failures, and hurt. But then I have to ask myself was I created to live a quiet life for God? That requires deep contemplation because what does that mean “quiet.” And is there a sure way to avoid disappointment, failure, and hurt? I don’t think so. It’s part of the process of cultivating my faith.

I often come across a woman – I say a woman because I am a woman’s pastor, it is where my heart lies in women’s ministry. I come across a woman -ages vary- that has no idea of her worth, her identity alludes her, she has been disappointed by the people in her life (especially men), her heart is broken, her pain is silent as the tears fall in the dark and my heart just aches for her because I am that woman too. She has no idea how loved she is, how adored she is, how much value she holds in God’s eye. I am then reminded that it’s about reaching one person at a time, one heart a time, one step at time, one small word at a time, and one small work at a time… this is God in motion…reaching the broken, the disappointed, the frustrated, the guarded… God in motion within me and I am reminded to carry on and to not give up. Small work is important.

There are times I just sit in front of the Lord in wonder, an amazement that He views me as something of worth. I think because most of the time I under value  my own worth and what the Lord is doing through me. My ministry is tiny and because it is small I tend to under estimate it’s worth. I tend to focus on disappointment rather than fulfillment. I do that because religion and people say small is insignificant but relationship says significant regardless of size.

I think it is easy to fall in the trap of feeling insignificant. Life has a way of making us feel unimportant especially if we are bombarded with disappointment. No matter what you are facing Jesus sees you as important. No matter who you are Jesus desires a meaningful relationship with you. He is the hope we all need. He is our biggest advocate. He sees the best in us. Relationship says significant, substantial, and meaningful.

You are not lost to a past, stuck yearning for who you once used to be or what you had…sadness and loneliness was never intended for you…you don’t have to be defined by disappointment…you are created for more…from our ashes God raises us to fly… I told my sister the other day: In the simplest terms when I feel like I have lost myself and I forget who I am I turn to the only one I can to guide me back to me which is God. Three in One: God the Father, God the Son, and the Holy Spirit… Oh I adore the Holy Spirit it is a love affair that must never end. He is my everything.

When I am bad He guides, when I am lost He guides me, when I am working He guides me, when I quit He renews me, when I pine and long for something He comforts me, when I am broken He puts me back together again and so it goes… my simple life with God on a weekly basis… failures, disappointments, bumbling’s, etc… He loves me. It’s almost scandalous God’s love for me, a sinner…

In the words of the song… Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
T’was blind but now I see