It’s has been a difficult month, while there have been some happy moments, there has been a lot of darkness too. I once read a quote that said “grief is like glitter, no matter how good you clean the glitter up, you always find glitter later in the cracks you can’t get too because it is impossible to get it all up.” Most people don’t know I have a diagnosis of anxiety, while it plagued me pretty severely in my past, now I only suffer with it from time to time, I know how to better deal with it at this age and as cliché as it sounds God anchors me, offering a refuge of healing specifically for it. Prayer is my anchor in the midst of anxiety, period.

This week it struck vehemently, sigh. Grief and anxiety have been on my emotional menu the past two weeks from not being able to sleep from anxiousness or the one day, I found myself walking my dog and the next moment I’m crying in the middle of the yard while he pooped… Like what the what?! LOL… Probably some of that is hormonal because at 43 and one ovary it happens but I also think the older we get the more we feel pain and the more we feel, the more we empathize with others in their struggles, recognizing our own pain that needs dealt with.

After the death of my sister in November came my father’s cancer diagnosis and rapid health decline in January, followed by the death of our cat last week from cancer (to be honest I felt plagued by death and cancer). I began to feel the weight of all of it burdening my heart, seeping into my mind, and drenching me in sadness… For me grief is like an ocean it ebbs and flows like the tide. I wish there was just one raging fire of grief that could be extinguished, so then I could move on but grief is like a snake it strikes when it wants to without warning, like the tide drenching and drowning me.

Today I went to pick up the last of my sister’s belongings and I saw him… her dog Cash, it’s the first time I’ve seen him since she passed and I wasn’t prepared, I lost it… big fat tears rolled down my face as Pink Floyd’s, Wish You Where Here played on the radio… like the universe was torturing me, playing an ugly joke or telling me, deal with it, it’s there, you can’t avoid grief forever. Although I felt like I had dealt with grief throughout her illness especially the last few months, when she got so sick and she needed constant care but perhaps it wasn’t in fullness.

Today, I got a new tattoo in memory of my sister. I have one already for her, I had done while she was still on this earth but through all of this dizzy, dazing emotions that have left me feeling numb, exhausted, and detached, I decided I needed a new one in connection to her memory and to remind myself to keep shining in the midst of darkness,. We had always talked about getting a tattoo together but she passed away before we could do it. So, today I went down and used the same artist that did her sleeve tattoo, we talked about Kiya as he was working on my wrist, and I felt a cathartic sentiment fall on me. It does not take the grief away, that will never leave, but it comforts me having a new connection to her (I am sure Dutch doesn’t know the totality of what he brought me today but that’s okay, I know it). I say comfort as in an ease, reduce, or lessen of sorrow.

In my experience there is nothing like a sister, she knows all your childhood secrets, shares in your aching heart, sees you at your worse, and watches you transition from child to adult and still loves you. Kiya was always one of my biggest cheerleaders, pushing me to teach, pastor, and reach people. We ebbed and flowed in each other’s lives with support and love… I miss that more than I can say but tonight I have a little star tattoo to look at reminding me to keep going, stretching out of my comfort zone, and to steep deep in compassion, so kindness overflows from me like a shining light blazing bright… something that oozed with ease out of my sister, even as she was dying, always thinking about others, shining bright despite the blackest night upon her.  

Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.