Work. I began working when I was fifteen years old. It is what I do best work. Work is labor, doing, achieving, or producing. A few months ago I quit my job for medical reasons and was placed in a season of rest. The word “receive” kept coming up. Receive is very different than work. Receive is accepting it is not necessarily doing anything other than accepting/obtaining, tough words for a doer that is used to doing. What was and is God saying to me? I have to admit I frequent thought of how I could manage to go back to work or even working remotely. The same answer kept coming back to me, “not yet.” Fiddle sticks. The same word “receive” God was/is speaking to me. Receive.

Someone had a smidge about God doing a work in us rather than us working for God. It checked a box with me. In fact it went right along with what I was reading on receiving. Check, check. Full picture coming into swing (because to be honest I am slow; I tell my husband I am the slowest most educated person he will ever meet-lol). Rest. Receive. I am so used to working, giving, doing it doesn’t register to receive, in fact it’s downright difficult to receive rest.

I had spent thousands of dollars out of pocket on medical providers, various tests, therapy, etc.… to help me figure out what was wrong with me. Some of it was helpful but in the end I got frustrated and walked away for a much needed medical break. My estrogen was through the roof at 1240 (that is cancer level high and yes we are addressing it), my anxiety was honestly debilitating- I didn’t want to leave my house most days, and my health was suffering ( I have sense put back on some weight but under a hundred pounds at 45 years old is not healthy). To be raw and honest I was asking God to take me because death seemed like a relief. Yes, it has gotten better but that is the brutal reality of where I was at and where I have come from. I was pretty open about longing for death and spoke of it openly because it helped ease the pain ( this did not make my husband happy as you can imagine).

Rest. Receive. I am so used to praying, “God make me ready for the work,” I didn’t realize I had burned out and my body was changing and not dealing with the “burn out” at all anymore. Rest. Receive. What a mess we make when we don’t listen to our bodies.  We just got back from vacation (a vacation I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go on but my girls were not having my absence, so I trudged through it to make memories with them- the social media pictures looked great but oh it was so difficult for me- so, so difficult for me).

Rest is a time-out of sorts, repose. No work. Receive. First receive the love God has for me. Just receive it don’t do anything because there is nothing to do other than receive, accept God’s love me. Whew that is difficult stuff receiving. It shouldn’t be but it is in our culture mentality of achieving, doing, never stop to catch our breath society. If only we can make people understand all they have to do is receive God’s love first and foremost. How many lives might be changed? Just accept God loves you, receive that love, and soak in it.

Next I had to recognize God is doing a work in me and receive it, just receive it. The season of rest is a gift, receive my gift, be grateful, and enjoy it. Blink, blink.  No scheming to get back to work, no applying for remote jobs, just rest and receiving. It has taken three and half months for that sink in, for that message to penetrate my heart and mind. The season I am in R & R: rest and receiving and its okay to enjoy it (aghast, its okay to enjoy not working, blink blink). Its okay learning to self-care. Its okay setting boundaries and saying no (wow).

I did survive the vacation with memories in tow. And I am discovering my love for landscaping and gardening ( another blink, blink moment). I mean I have begun mowing the backyard and weed-eating (first time for everything and I like it). I haven’t been outside this much since I was a kid! And reading, I am currently reading three books at the same time some days four or five. I sit for hours and read with the trees, birds, squirrels, and the sun. And I ponder often. Prayer has become habitual like breathing air so is talking to God. And as one of my therapists said, “you can smile even during anxiety, its okay to smile, life is still good.”  And I do. I have learned to deep breath and smile. Deep breath and smile. Life is okay, life is content, even blissful, rough patches and all.