Today was disappointing Saturday. Let me start at the beginning. I had planned on writing a blog about disappointment, I was at a women’s conference last night and one of the speakers said something that really struck me “don’t let disappointment define you.” I immediately began to think of the people in my life that have abandoned faith because of disappointment which was the ideal for the blog little did I know God was going let me learn a fast lesson.

Fast forward to this morning, as I was putting on my make-up I was praying that God would prepare me for the work that this day held and that He would also prepare me for the battle that would arise before the work. THEN IT HIT… sigh *&$#… My fifteen-year-old was snide one too many times and I had a complete meltdown of yelling, profanity, slamming, etc… my husband sat there dumbfounded, my other two kids nineteen and ten were both perplexed and bewildered. This is raw truth,  (my version anyway) of motherhood, church leadership, and what mid-life looks like behind closed doors. It’s messy because life is messy regardless of who you are or what you do. It is not comfortable and I did not feel comforted as I walked away yelling trying to escape to a silent room where I could calm myself and begin my apology to God.

Let me just say I am quite aware I am unworthy to be a mother, unworthy to have the title pastor, unworthy to lead the bible study I do weekly, unworthy to pray with people, and so the list could go… I sat in my room silence echoing around me except for the faint voices of my family in the distance and I was utterly disappointed with myself in fact, I was quite disgusted. Where did that come from? What just happened? Why? I asked God how do I recoup from this? How do I not let the enemy win? (because it felt like he had) Sigh… I finally said no, no, I am not doing this, I am not going to let the enemy win today.

I walked out to the living room and called all three of my children, as they sat down on the couch, I began my apology, my voice cracking, tears welling up- I told them I was sorry for losing my temper, the use of profanity, that this is not good leadership (especially church leadership), that I loved them, that I was holding myself accountable to my actions today and that they had to be accountable for their attitudes of disrespect, snide-ness, and help out when I asked and not be sarcastic.

The truth is I wanted to stay in my room and let disappointment envelope me but I heard those words resonating in my mind “don’t let disappointment define you.” It would have been easy to let disappointment define me today but I just refused. I did drop the ball like we all do but last time I checked there was no perfect human but in dropping the ball I realized the ball has bounce and I bounced that ball back-up as hard as I could. The truth of the matter is I am unworthy to be used by God, but from my ashes He puts me back together again and He finds value in me, overlooking my scars, flaws, and brokenness. God does not keep me chained to my mistakes or disappoint in me, but He delights in me. The truth is that is hard to understand because I don’t delight in me half the time instead I dwell in my disappointments, staring at my flaws, and wishing I was something I am not. It is hard to embrace one’s self but today I tried too… I did not dwell in disappointment, I bounced back up.

I encourage you to refuse to let disappointment define you or your faith, press on, and when you drop the ball know that it has bounce in it.

Good Evening Ladies…

Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”