Often times I want the world around me to change and I pray for God to move people into change. In reality I need the atmosphere within me to change, so I keep inviting God into this messy heart of mine. This mean girl mentality to strike before someone hits me is very comfortable but not that good in reaching people. Breaking that defensive wall, I put up that prohibits me from loving in a bold fashion, that draws me out of my comfort zone isn’t so easy. I often ask to be used by God and He keeps instructing me on how to love which implies I have not mastered it yet… to love the unlovable. The unlovable in my mine has always been those that have been rejected by the church, society, or those in turmoil (those are my people). However, God is showing me that sometimes the unlovable are closer than I think… My home is a mixture of mine, yours, and ours, we are a blended family and blending our family has been a labor of love, it was easier when the kids were small but now some are adults…and while I had a close relationship with my stepdaughter, that has faded, leaving me feeling discarded like yesterday’s trash, after 17 years of being a bonus mom… I feel reduced to stranger status but it feels so much worse, sigh… while I want to give up and say &$@ it (I do not try to pretend to be holier than I am, this is raw emotion). God nudges me to not give up, to not quit… oh loving someone from the stands is terribly difficult when you used to be on the cheerleading team. We all have our own battles that we face in quiet solitude bearing the pain of hurt feelings alone. During this time, I’ve had to ask myself how long do I have to try? How can I love from afar and not quit loving at all? Because the truth of the matter is, I want to stop. When every attempt is met with rejection the question becomes how much more? These are things that have been on my heart this Thanksgiving Season… how not to become a victim of my own emotion and be transformed into a spiteful tyrant (because I have to be honest spiteful feels good at this point, the problem is spiteful leads to bitterness and it feeds the flesh and not the spirit…) Sigh, I have to feed the spirit, tending to my spirit is the only thing that brings true transformation. Faith done right is progressive not standing still or a backward motion, faith done right is learning to love without limitations- and I find it most difficult.

Here is what I do know and rely on: God’s Grace. No matter how difficult my situation has become or how ugly my emotional state has evolved, I know I can invite God into my big fat ugly mess and He will bring order to my chaos. I encourage you to invite God into your circumstances no matter how complicated they are… no mess is too big for God to fix. God calls us higher than our emotional baggage and raises us up to overcome. His love is so much deeper and He equips us for every terrain…

Jeremiah 32: ²⁷ “I am the Lord, the God of all humankind. There is, indeed, nothing too difficult for me.”