There are days in my triumph I feel I can I seek the Lord’s presence, then there are days I can’t even bow low enough before Him, today has been a day like that. Walking into prayer I ponder where to even begin? What to say? How to express my heart? Words or no words? The beautiful aspect of God is that He already knows. It’s the effort to seek His presence, God is most interested in. Who do I turn to when my days seem to consume me instead of me conquering them? What is my hidden motivation? Those are the things God is interested in, my blunderings while imperfect are things God can overcome in a whim but my motivation that is a choice God will not interfere with. I go into prayer or repentance as I told my husband to seek redemption and assistance for a better tomorrow.

I feel the distress of carrying the burden of all who seek shelter within my safety net. The weight of such presses into me. To carry something means to support the weight, it can also mean to transport or move the weight. I am constantly shifting the plight of those that need from me. This is a draining task, being called to bear such burdens but especially daunting while my moods  often crumble before me due to the every shifting sea of hormones I face. Still I refuse to believe the sky above me is all grey. I am learning to chase after joy is the most difficult race of my life (but I refuse to quit running after it). Finding jubilation in “carrying” is a wearisome feat. I find that all I can do at times is sit before the Lord with pale worship in hopes He receives it.

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord’s help and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.  ⁵ Those who look to him for help are happy; their faces are not ashamed.

Press into worship no matter… unrelenting, persistent, whole-heartedly, with an urgency about it as if it’s a necessity to live because in truth it is. (Do not listen to the voice that says you mustn’t or you cannot because that is the voice that leads you away from God… instead fall on God’s great mercy and empathetic heart, let Him cradle you in His strength and forgiveness, as you seek absolution through Him…then receive His renewing for a new day and a new work.)

Good Night Ladies…

Fall is in the air despite that I live in the deep south and still mid-September there is a humidity you could cut with a knife. School has begun and with it a silent house which tugs at my heart strings a little. One in college that comes and goes from the house like a pop-up storm, one in high school filled with extra-curricular activities, and the youngest a pre-teen that is usually face timing her bestie (although occasionally she allows me to walk her to class despite being in the fifth grade) and me still clawing my way through grad-school, so this is my life. This past summer I had a pretty severe bout of depression or mid-life crisis whichever you want to call it or perhaps both, who knows. Even though God lifted it off of me (because if felt like a heavy weight chained to my chest), I still from time to time feel it raise its nasty little head just to keep track of my movements. In those moments I have to remind myself I was created to experience joy and happiness, I have to remember not to allow the devil to steal those things from me (it’s quite the battle).

The most difficult lesson I am learning as I have entered my forties is to slow down. Slowing down makes you enjoy the season you are in so later in life you can recall all the little details, reminiscing of the golden days. To even write that sentence pains my heart just a little because I don’t want the “golden days” to ever end, sigh but seasons change don’t they? As my heart aches a little for the past summer we just had, I look forward to the holidays that bring family and friends gathering around my table. In my younger days I was not a “people” person, that is I did not enjoy gatherings but as I age the more my heart longs for gatherings, to see people, to hear them, to enjoy their company (this is not the same as the crowd at Walmart or Target in those crowds I sing Jesus take the Wheel). The deeper I fall into God’s love, the more I ask God to help me love people because I can’t do my job for Him if I don’t have a love for the people. It’s a tall order getting this heart of mine to love people but God never backs away from a challenge and He has never met a challenge He can’t conquer!  I don’t know what your schedule looks like or how you are fairing the season changing but I hope you, basket in the joy of the season you are in right now, even if that joy is fleeting, a soft wind that you can barely feel. I hope you soak in the sunshine while it is still here allowing the warmth of God’s creation to fill you inside and outside. I hope you learn to slow down no matter your age and take in all the details of your life (good and bad) knowing one day you will reminisce about them as you recall how they made you stronger, braver, and better skilled at life.

Psalms 131:1… I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.² But I have calmed and quieted myself…I am content.

Contentment is a difficult thing to master because society tells us more is never enough… contentment the main ingredient to form happiness. It can be had in every social economic bracket and is not exclusively for the wealthy or religious. It eludes many but it is my prayer that it will envelope each of you. Happiness bubbling over, rising up within you so that it is contagious to those around you, drenching all that come within your presence with a gladness that they take with them, an ease about you that allows you to feel serenity in satisfaction within the season you are in right now.

Good Day Ladies…

Ah, what a stressful day. My mother is sick with a bad tooth and can’t see the oral surgeon until Wednesday and it seems everyone on social media has become professional political candidates trying to entice people with their view point. – MAKE IT STOP. Dorthey clicked her heels three times to go home, but I want to go to OZ!

There is so much hurt and sorrow in our broken world, our broken society, hurting people hurt people and so this creates a cycle of pain that is not simply forgotten. It is very easy to get caught up in all the negativity, all that agony, sigh. (And I am a believer of helping carry one another’s burdens.)

As a Christian, I believe it is so important to have a teachable heart, although this is not limited to believers alone. You will not find the word “teachable” directly in the bible but it certainly is implied. Teachable means the ability to be taught and that requires a humble heart with the recognition that you don’t know it all.

Not many seek or walk in humbleness these days because it requires a crushing of one’s ego and experiencing humility in some way or fashion.  And walking in ego feels good so to squash it is difficult. Tough things to mentally chew on. If we all approached a problem with a teachable heart (regardless of status in life) we’d more than likely learn something, hopefully at the least some empathy. Ah, but everyone loves to cast stones and throw sticks at each other, which doesn’t move us forward.

In life, we should be moving forward. I often tell people faith should propel you forward not backward. Faith is a forward motion; thus advancing, making progress.   This means you are moving ahead in life and not stuck or stagnant.

God always moves us forward, never backward. He the preeminent communicator and the great lover of all people with empathy that defines and encompasses love, compassion, and mercy. His goal is always for us to move forward, to advance in life which requires (in my opinion) a teachable heart… this requires us to put our guard down, admit we don’t know everything, shake off our offended hearts, and stop, look, & listen (as the famous song sings)… even when we don’t agree.

If you are a Christian learn to be the light in the darkness… move people forward with your faith especially when theirs is non-existence or failing. Before everything blows up pray, when everything does blow up pray, and when everything is good pray… Why? Because prayer works, prayer is powerful, it’s free to do, it’s effective, it advances you forward, and this world needs it!

Just my thoughts as I sit here while my house is finally quiet and I sip on my cinnamon coffee… food for thought..

Acts 10: ³⁴ Then Peter started speaking: “I now truly understand that God does not show favoritism in dealing with people… (yep that is right)

Good Afternoon Ladies…

Matthew 5: ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ so that you may be children of your Father in heaven.

PS. I love “food for thought” but if all we ever do is think and never act, hear and never do… we have a problem…

Sometimes right in the middle of your day, God will start speaking to you. It’s sounds a little kooky I know but I am a firm believer in personal relationship(s) with God and as such He will talk to you. After all He is the God that opened the mouth of a donkey to speak Numbers 22:28, as I’ve stated before God doesn’t always move in logical ways. So there I was in the middle of my workout and God started talking to me about that “joy” thing I struggle with. Sigh…

I wrote about joy on here a couple of times because I struggle with it, like really really struggle with it. It’s not that I am not blessed, I don’t need fellow believers telling me I am blessed beyond measure and I don’t need people judging me either.  I know I am blessed and I have a strong conviction myself. The bottom line is life can be hard, demanding, and draining no matter your socio economic bracket. Money does not guarantee happiness or joy even though it can help allievate the burden of financial issues. I find joy cannot be bought or I’d buy it in large quanties. “It’s physically impossible for me to get happy,” Sixteen Candles… enough said my true self has been revealed, yes I quote movies ALL the time, moving on.

I heard a pastor say “joy is important because we are called to manifest God’s nature in this world.” Wowzer… I should have had a V8 this morning! Which explains why it is so difficult for me to stay joyful, the devil (yep I believe he is real) is constantly trying to extract my joy. I mean who is more effective for God a joyful person or a grumpy person? I know I am more drawn to joyful people…

Joy is not peppy as much as a delight, jubilant, an enjoyable person to be around… You know those people. Sooo, since it’s Sunday and the week is just beginning, I am going to do my best to be more enjoyable- ha! It sounds kind of cheesy and impossible but when you long to carry a crate of eggs in your car and hurl them at people for stupidity you need more joy- I am just keeping it real here people. This is Christian leadership raw and exposed. So if you ever wondered do “pastor’s think that?” yes we do, oh we do and then some… EGGing people, the desire is real. The struggle is real!

As you start your week and it seems like the sky is falling and everything is going to hell in a handbasket: 1. Know you are not alone- least I list all the things going wrong in my house at the moment, 2. As Dory said “just keep swimming,” 3. Have coffee with a friend and get it off your chest, share your burden (yeah invite someone into your mess, we can’t do it alone all the time), 4.Seek God, like really just lay it all out there for Him and don’t be shy to ask for help in the joy department. 5. Know I am praying for you all…

Romans 14: ¹⁷ For the kingdom of God does not consist of food and drink, but righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.

Righteousness (justice), peace ( harmony), and joy (happiness)- that’s a kingdom I want to belong to… and do 😊

Good Evening Ladies

PS. We are born into a family but God will bring us the family our heart needs in due time… not all family is of the same genetics but of the same spirit…. Food for thought

Today started off with a doctor’s appointment for my middle child (a hurt knee). I keep forgetting she is in high school now. As I arrived at her school for pick-up, high schoolers were scattered everywhere being its spirit week, they were all dressed up, finding a parking spot wasn’t easy (it made me question working youth ministry all together-lol). My middle child will complain about her position in the line-up of children, she is really more like a first born and in a way, she is. She is the first born for my husband and I but she is not my first born. Ah, blended families get tricky, don’t they? I love that God doesn’t exclude blended families- we can actually find them in the bible… I won’t bore you with the details but they’re there.

I find the older I get there are moments I want time to stand still so I can breathe in all the loveliness of my life, my present season. Do you ever feel that way?Emma has been my constant companion for 15 years on a regular basis (my son would spend time with his father when he was younger and my husband travels) but Emma my 15 year old has always been there.

She is quite the fierce creature defending the bullied, protective of the band kids, out spoken regarding women’s rights especially women in ministry ( a modern day little Joan of Arc). Compassion and sassy both describe her. She is loyal and loving to the selective few that are privileged to be in her circle of friends. And her sense of humor is pretty wicked (impressive) for a 15-year-old. I complain about her drop-off and pick-up but the truth is I will miss it when she starts driving. I wish we could slow time down and speed it up when desired. Wouldn’t that be awesome!?

Today started off with a doctor’s appointment, along with a leaky toilet that soaked the bathroom floor… it was a hectic morning, of rushing to schools, phone calls to school, getting a doctor’s note, cleaning up water, figuring out how to turn water off, cleaning the mess the bull dogs made of ripped paper, and cleaning the sink out of what I will spare you, etc… Everyday madness but everyday magic. In the thick of that chaos we usually desire some type of order but then what would our memories be of? My mother tells me I will miss the messes and the noise… I don’t mind the noise or the extra kids but I do mind the mess. O-o

This afternoon has been just as hectic with pick-ups, chore lists, work-out time, homework, arguments, debates with the nine year old over bathing, dog bantering, and dinner prep. BUT I will do my best to relish the blissfulness of these crazy moments without complaint or impatience. I will try to savor more of this frantic season of kids, dogs, homework, and untidiness (to say the least).

I don’t know what season of life you are in if you are an empty-nester, a full nester, never had a nest full, etc…BUT whatever the case maybe I hope you find enjoyment and harmony in the period of life you are in… Why? Because everyone needs joy and peace in their life. Sometimes we have to look for it but it usually can be found.

Good Evening…

Ecclesiastes 3:1 For everything there is an appointed time, and an appropriate time for every activity on earth…(NET)

PS. I subdued my desire to throw eggs today… baby steps toward joy and peace… 🙂 These are the moments…

I tell you all there are sometimes I wish I drove around with a carton of eggs so I could throw them at rude drivers especially when you are trying to walk into the grocery store with your two daughters. I’d egg so many people driving by! But atlas in moments like that where my impatience and temper are running rampant in sheer delight I hear a little voice tap me on the shoulder and say “love them like Jesus did.” SIGH, like a BIG sigh.

I tell you this loving people business is TOUGH! It is most difficult when your morning starts out with a grouchy nine-year-old that has the mouth of the south with snarkiness and doesn’t listen let alone obey very well. AHHH! I dread puberty ya’ll, I will need prayer I am just sayin. So, by the end of the day I am capable of seriously egging some cars that don’t follow the traffic rules, drivers that are texting when driving, and rude drivers… This is Christianity being REAL….

Do you ever feel that way? You just want to throw eggs at some cars? Teach some people a lesson?

I’ve been in a rut lately where life (it could also be my hormonal state) has sucked out my joy. Do you know what I mean? Joy is that blissful feeling that delights your mind and soul with happiness. I envy people that walk around in complete joy (in a good way, I don’t want to take it from them, I just want some of it). The word “joy” appears in the bible 222 times from the Old Testament all the way into the New Testament; that must have a significant meaning that joy is important.

It is far too easy to let the troubles of life especially inconsiderate people take your joy and I hate that. I have heard preachers, teachers, evangelists, and life speakers say joy is a choice… eh… maybe… maybe not. I don’t know about you but I don’t always find it easy to control or master my emotions- I wish I did!

However, joy is one of those things I want to hold onto and cherish for as long as I can. Strength lies in our ability to be joyful in difficult situations and I want that type of strength. I find that in the occasions I am blessed to bask in “joy” I am more hopefully than without it. Joy leads me to a confidence that God sees me in my present state and loves me anyway, sending His steadfast love to cloak me which gives me courage to pursue righteousness (righteousness in my behavior and words, a chase that has been ever difficult these last few weeks).

In the book of Nehemiah – Nehemiah is faced with a daunting task of rebuilding the wall around Jerusalem, his crew of people were difficult to work with. It was a grim job that had been put off for many years. In Nehemiah 8 he tells the people that the joy of the Lord is their strength… God takes joy in us, He created us exclusively for Himself, and we bring Him joy, God’s joy in us is the strength that should keep us going and motivate us to do what is right… that means no egg throwing from me.

I hope you find joy this week but I especially hope you find your strength knowing God takes joy in you!

Good Evening Ladies…

Romans 15: ¹³ Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe in him, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I’ve been in a funk these last few days. I turned 41 last week and I always have a difficult time around my birthday. When I was younger I thought I’d age gracefully but I find lately I am kicking and scream the whole way. I have a tendency to be too self-reflective at times especially concerning what I consider success. Everybody wants to be successful in life or am I the only one? I did not plan on writing about success in fact I wrote another blog last night but never posted it, maybe I’ll post it later.

But tonight, success was on my mind, I was sitting in prayer, talking to the Lord about my life and success came up. Success- it’s a tricky word because we often compare our success to somebody else’s success creating a competition of sorts. I hate that rut, am I the only one? Comparison always makes me feel bad, you know what I mean? I hate that it is ingrained in us.

Success is an achievement, accomplishment, or a victory leading to triumph. Those are personal things. They will vary per person.

We have a tendency to define what success should look like by somebody else’s success. I don’t want to be defined by another’s success and I don’t want to define what success looks like for me by comparing my life to somebody else’s life. I am left wondering where do I go from here? So, I have to sit with the Lord and ask Him to teach me what His definition of success for my life looks like because it’s personal. Success is personal. And because our lives are uniquely made for different purposes our success should be as such. Kind of a tongue tie, isn’t it?

I often hear God say to me don’t look to your right or to your left just keep your eyes straight ahead in the direction that I point you in. But too often I will look  around and  start to compare my achievements to what I see  (because when I stare out into the distance at someone else’s life I begin to measure my success by their accomplishments and compare our success stories which often makes me feel like a big fat failure), then I feel bad, which puts me in a gloom until I pull myself out of it which takes reflection in my prayer time… I don’t know how your week has been going but I hope you are not comparing your success to your neighbors, co-workers, or friends. Life is too short to walk around comparing ourselves to others AND we are uniquely made for different purposes, God likes variety. I don’t want to resent somebody else’s success, or envy it, or compare it, I want to celebrate others’ success. I want to celebrate their victories and accomplishments not feel bad because of them. Rewiring of the brain takes a lot of effort but well worth it in the end.

Good Night Ladies…

PS. In fact, the word success only appears in the New Testament one time depending on the translation you use. I can’t recall Jesus teaching on success at all but on how to help those in need and how to love. That speaks volumes of what God considers success to be… service (as in helping) and love (mercy and compassion) when we can master those things then we will have achieved true success… food for thought… Let God re-define our definition of success.

I am just standing here thinking about being good enough… I think we’ve all felt those words at some point… those words cut.

Sometimes or maybe often times in life we think we have to be “good enough” for God to help us, heal us, hear us, or even see us… this is not true. His love is not based on our merit but His own merit. I think it is important to understand that God never leaves us in our time of trouble but the way He chooses to reveal Himself will vary among people (that’s important to understand). He is personal, therefore our relationship with Him is and should be personal this means each relationship with Him is unique and unlike any other.

Think about the relationships you have in your life and how they differ, why would God be any different? After all we are made in His image, He is not made in our image but it is “we” that are made in His image and what a powerful image it is to behold. Relationships are unique and individual because we are made unique and individual our relationship with God should be as well… it’s personal.

God does not make you jump through certain hoops to receive His love, it is freely given and I hope you don’t let anybody’s perception mislead you on that. His desires are good and meaningful, full of quality substance…

I don’t know if any of you are struggling or if any of you just need some encouragement but I wanted to tell you that the barriers we create in our mind regarding our self-worth that keep God at bay need to be torn down so we can receive all the goodness He has for us.

And don’t get discouraged if He reveals Himself to you in a different fashion than what you desired… in other words don’t doubt His love for you if your prayer wasn’t answered or the provision you were looking for didn’t come through on your time line. Faith requires trust… and trust is a confidence that God knows what He is doing even when we don’t. Don’t go to God with demands, doubts, or distrust… Go to God with EXPECTATION and CONFIDENCE… then trust Him to do what He does. Trust means you will trust Him even if He doesn’t give you what you asked for, knowing He plans GOOD THINGS… In Mathew 6:8 Jesus tells us that God knows our needs before we even ask. Think about that for a minute…

Take comfort in 2 Thessalonians 2: ¹⁶ Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by grace gave us eternal comfort and good hope, ¹⁷ encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good thing you do or say.

Know that you matter and have worth to God, you are valuable and irreplaceable… You are enough… for God to build on…

Good Afternoon Ladies…

I tossed and turned last night beyond 1am the product of two things: 1. anxiety and 2. An over active mind (fed by anxiety). So many little things can trigger my anxiety but last night was the making of two ingredients one being hormones (mid-life at times sucks) and two the movie my husband and I watched on our date yesterday. I rarely venture into the movie theater any more but we both wanted to see the same movie while in the theater (rare indeed). It was not my usual genre of happy-pappy but a suspense movie, some violence, a few thrilling moments, and an investigation… I don’t do well with the violence; you can throw in some thrill, mystery, magical-ness but violence and my heart just sinks. Anyway, this led to my anxiety which led to late night tears, a hurting heart, and over active thoughts which took me to the couch so I didn’t wake my sleeping husband.

In the middle of that mess last night I heard God say to me “Why didn’t you come to me so I could comfort you?” There I was on the couch, in the dark, tears falling, my thoughts running, my heart hurting with emotion, and the God of the universe was asking why I didn’t come to Him so He could comfort me… (blink, blink, blink as I stare in wonder).

A lot has been taught about God, a lot has been taught incorrectly, a lot correctly but the one thing I know of God is that He is personal- PERSONAL. He is not some far away God, some star catcher that likes to peep in on His creation every now and then. Nope. He desires to be in the thick of our messy lives.

In 1 Kings 17 we are introduced to one of my favorite prophets of the bible- Elijah. I love Elijah! He is crabby, confrontational, old, sarcastic, and he had great wit about him. He has real gumption for the Lord and I admire it! In 1 Kings 17 a devastating drought is about to take place and the Lord gives Elijah specific instructions to go hangout by a brook where there is water and ravens will bring him provision. Pretty wild, isn’t it? I know people don’t usually think of stuff like that being in the bible, the stuff fairy tales are made of like; C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia or J.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings but it is… 🙂

When I read passages like that in the bible it assures me that God cares about my sustenance: emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This does not mean I will not go through difficult times, trying times, times that stretch my faith but it means when I am crying in the middle of the night, I am not alone. I can hear someone saying what about all the poverty, starvation, and incurable diseases people suffer with? Does He see them too? My answer to that is yes He does.

When I was a very young woman, I dated a very older man that had no faith (my life is colorful), and he asked me one day “if God is real then why do people suffer?” This was a difficult question for a 20 year old to answer but my faith was not shaken as I said “I don’t know I just know He doesn’t create suffering”.

As a Christian, I believe sin has polluted the world and through sin bad things are birthed; things that God never desired to occur. Yes, He is powerful enough to stop it all but He also gives us a freedom of choice. We have the choice to walk with Him and be part of the solution or to not walk with Him and refuse to be part of resolution. I read a book once that said don’t just pray about the starving person, feed them! SMACK in my face!

You can either help change the world for the better and extend God’s goodness by allowing Him to move through you or you can stand there with your arms crossed; ticked off at the world’s problems and blame God for all your issues. It’s a freedom of choice. He is a God of choice not a tyrant. He is a GOOD God. Faith does not follow logic…

Getting back on subject, I was not alone on the couch in the middle of the night and I am never alone. Elijah was not alone by the brook and you don’t have to be alone in whatever it is you are going through.

Deuteronomy 31: ^6 “Be strong and courageous! Do not fear or tremble before them, for the Lord your God is the one who is going with you. He will not fail you or abandon you!”

I love that scripture. The Israelites were losing their beloved leader Moses (who was over a 100 years old) and heading into the unknown promise land where they’d battle, war, and settle down. I identify with that, I battle anxiety, I war against myself, but I settle down in the comfort of the Lord. God encourages them, He assures them He will not leave them. This is of great importance to me. When I was a little girl my dad would act like he was leaving us, he’d drive off, then stop, we’d approach the car, he drive off again… I still have PTSD from this ask my husband. He has to give me the keys or his phone if he goes to the bathroom when we’re out so I know he won’t leave me (it deeply troubles him too). BUT, BUT- I know God will never leave me! I have to soak in that realization A LOT…

Again, in Matthew 28 Jesus assures us that He is always with us, He never leaves us as orphans. This means we never have to be alone. The world does a good job at isolating us and I won’t even get into what the devil does. I don’t know what you’re dealing with if it’s depression, anxiety, or something else… as for me I have anxiety at times. Anxiety is a disquieting of your mind, emotional state, and soul. It is a fear that is not ready to be put into words because it is different for each person. It is a darkness that tries to overwhelm you, squeezing until you can’t breathe any more.

I have tired many different medications for it but in the end for me what soothes my psyche the best is calling out to the Lord. As the Israelites were fleeing from the Egyptians, running toward their freedom Moses said in Exodus 14: ¹⁴ The Lord will fight for you, and you can be still.” THE LORD WILL FIGHT FOR YOU… sip on that for a minute. When is the last time you had someone fight for you? Stand up for you? Make you feel like you were the most important person in their world? You need to meet Jesus…

We try so hard to fight our battles in silent discouragement, trudging through the muck and mire of our solitude alone, thinking we have to do this ourselves, to prove something, with the mind-set it strengthens us to go solo into our battles… BUT we don’t, I don’t and you don’t have to march solo into combat.

The battle wasn’t Israel’s alone and the battle isn’t yours alone. I will close with one scripture…

2 Chronicles 12: …15 For the battle is not yours, but the Lord’s. You are not meant to be parted from God…You were created for Him, He delights in you, His love for you is immeasurable… He will fight your battles with you… you-are-not-alone.

Good Afternoon Ladies…