Sometimes in the roaring of my life I get a glimpse of how unworthy I am but YOU, Lord never make me feel that way. You embrace me regardless of how many flaws that keep revealing themselves. Despite that I am covered in scabs, wounds, blemishes; thus, so many scars… scars of misunderstanding, scars of being unlovable, scars of being untouchable, scars of being non-teachable… You gently tend to me despite my kicking and screaming.

Sometimes I see my shadow following me and I am reminded of where I come from…so much unworthiness of Your goodness, Your tenderness, Your patience, Your love. There are days I sing of your love, days I can only sit in Your presence but like Moses I dare not lift my eyes to You the Holy One, days I cry out to You, days I argue with you like Jacob wrestling with You in my own secret desert, the dry place of my life that makes me parched for renewing, and days I find myself walking in the wilderness, the wasteland of regret and sorrow, a barren place that yields no fruit but You always find me, You never stop pursuing me.

I will not remain in things of the past, things of yesterday, I will not be defined by my shadow or consumed by the wilderness, I will press forward with all my might, fighting against the angry waves of a broken, hurting world, the very things the devil would drown me with: anxiety, depression, doubt, fear, pain, uncertainty, and loneliness… No, within my fight to thrive I will remember I am loved because You have loved me with an everlasting love that is unbreakable and forever binding. A thousand suns couldn’t compare to Your light in my life, the warmth that sustains me but never consumes, the fire that illuminates the way but never devours me.

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.                                                       

Good Evening Ladies…                                                                                       

Jeremiah 31: …3 the Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. 4 Again I will build you (up)….

There is Triumph in the Trying….

Do we live life with an expectation upon us? This is a question I have been pondering as a Christian. I think everyone has the expectation of doing what is decent and humane placed upon them that is being a civilized human being. However, I think as a believer many feel that once they cross that salvation threshold there is no expectation upon them and that grace is a free-card. This is not true. I think as believers we have expectation upon us. The expectation that we will do what is moral and righteous. While grace does cover us, it is not a free pass to do what ever we want or say what ever we want on the contrary it is a ladder to assist us in achieving what God has placed in front of us. It is the aid to help us love ourselves and those around us better. It is the tool that teaches us to forgive ourselves and those around us because to love better means we are learning forgiveness.

Expectation means hope or anticipation. God is excited about us… that is incredible when you consider the mess we are in as a creation. It is easy to overlook that God has hopes for you and dreams He has placed within you with expectation that you will reach them. An expectancy placed upon you. The Apostle Paul says we are God’s workmanship, any builder that builds has an expectation for his masterpiece. We have been created by the master builder, the ultimate Creator with purpose which to me indicates we have expectation for our life… Unlike human beings I don’t think God is disappointed when we fall short, I think in His mercy, He stands us back up and encourages us to try again. Unlike humans God does not shame us when we fall short of the expectation that is placed upon us (nor does He take our dreams from us but continues to have hope we will achieve them) .In the gaming world we get a do-over so to speak. That is part of grace, the grace that covers us. Expectation is not limited to legalism or confined to religious dogma but it is a hope that we will continue in the Father’s work. It is a hope that we will continue allowing Him access to the deepest parts of inners so we continue in the transformation ourselves. This is where spirit transforms the physical, it is where the physical reveals the spirit, and it is painstaking work filled with expectation.

I would like to say that I always live up to the expectancy on my life but in truth I do not. In reality I am living from one grace refill, one grace redo, one grace paycheck to another despite that my “bank” is full, I find it hard to break the mentality that I have to scrape to get by with God. This is the humanity coming out of me as I struggle within the warm pool of compassion and love, I am allowed to soak in. However, with God there should always be an anticipation of His goodness towards us despite that we are intensely harsh with ourselves and others. That goodness prepares us for the expectation regardless if we always meet it. I don’t know about you but there are days I can live up to the expectation on me like a champion that has been training her whole life for the game and there are days I fail at it miserably as if I had never trained a day in my life. The lines of righteousness and selfishness get blurred and oh… the temper, impatience, and fatigue drain my efforts.

I long to live in those moments when I am keenly aware, acutely present to when spirit and physical meet. This year in 2019 I am going to attempt to live on a day to day basis with goals in mind. And when I do not meet that goal, I will reflect, regroup, reconnect, and move forward. I will not allow failure to define me when I run short on living up to expectation because God does not look at me as a failure, He does not see me as person failing but as a woman trying… We over look the “trying” and focus all our energy on the results but there is a lot to be said about the trying. There is victory in the struggles of our life which I think God celebrates. There is triumph in the trying!

1 Samuel 16:7 …”For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

It seems December came and went, I was busy renovating parts of our house which will continue into the new year of 2019. This activity keeps me busy on my already busy schedule which makes me happy. I keep reading everyone’s “word” for the year. In center praying I have a word that I focus on, a word I want God to place with in me. My “word of the year” is different than my center prayer word but still is worthy to be noted in prayer and meditation. This year my “word” is radiant. I am going on the second year in a solo ministry and I have to admit the first year was up and down, while always glorious, I felt I lacked internal radiance. I picked radiant because I want to beam grace as I walk into the room. I want to joyfully illuminate even when others are not. I want to shine even if the fog of gloominess surrounds me through grumpy moods, impatient people, constant needs, and dysfunctional emotion. To keep radiant through that will not be easy but still it is my goal. It is my goal this year that God will help me recognize opportunities to give Him glory through serving others regardless of how often they may need my assistance instead of being annoyed. I think annoyance robs us of the joy of being used by God. Annoyance is self-serving focusing on self. When God calls us to work we should be happy and not irritated.

It is my prayer that I not grow weary of doing good this year and to remember that begins at home with family. Oh, home ministry can be very demanding and feel so unrewarding at times and it is the most important ministry mothers will ever do. The struggle is real at times.  It is my prayer that I am radiant in my speech which will reflect my attitude which will reveal the nature of my heart. I so desperately want God to be the center of my nature. It is my goal to remember that when one is blessed it should spill over into other’s lives because blessings were not meant to be horded but shared. That is true stewardship of love and grace. Grow our faith as we live out our life, grow our faith, not impede it… I don’t care who you are, what your back ground is, what mess you are in, or what people say about you… take time to grow your faith in 2019, take time to get to know God, not religion, but relationship with God… Psalm 18: 28 “You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”

Good Evening Ladies…

Matthew 5:16 “In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” Never forget you have been given a light, I pray it burns bright so that it illuminates the way for all those around you.

Sitting here this morning reading about Miriam (Moses sister). The grumblings. Do you ever grumble at God? At your family? At your co-workers? I have to admit I am not a very easy person to live with myself, grumblings are frequent, too frequent in this household. Miriam began to grumble against her brother Moses, this in itself is not a peculiar thing as brothers and sisters grumble quite a bit at each other or at least my children do. I was reading about Miriam’s grumblings and I was struck with conviction. Miriam made it about herself, she took her eyes off the bigger picture God was creating and let ego make an appearance.  There is a theme building up; Self doesn’t equal God. And yet I find myself in “self” mode all too often… sigh. Miriam was a leading woman among the people of Israel, she was quite capable of helping lead the masses and she did it well. I don’t identify with her singing and dancing, her joy (I wish I did). I of coarse being me identify with her blunder, her screw-up, her grumblings. I identify with her sorrow for opening her mouth when she shouldn’t have and I identify with her need for repentance.

Yesterday I began the task of cleaning my bedroom (I had been on vacation for 12 days and sadly made it back home) and being home for five days I had not yet unpacked; to be honest my room was a total disaster. So, as I am cleaning up coffee mugs, children’s books, random children’s clothing and toys that somehow ended up in my room, etc… I was reminded that as there is a need to “clean up” in our physical world there is a need to “clean up” in our emotional world. (then I was reading on Miriam this morning like double whammies.) I don’t know about you but I hold on to emotional baggage like its silver not gold but silver, silver is good and I like it, shiny and pretty with some bling-bling on it plus its affordable- just sayin .

Anyway, I hate this bad habit because it breeds bitterness. I will tell myself to let go, move on and stop thinking about it and while I can eventually stop thinking about it, I inevitably do not let it go. I pack it nice and neat in one of the rooms in my mind and I shut the door ever so softly that nobody realizes it is still there. Then when I have a need I just take it out and bam! Miriam reminds me a little like that…whatever issue it was that she had tucked away made its appearance again and bam! I hate emotional baggage, it gets so tiring carrying it. Why can’t we just drop it off at someone’s house? Wouldn’t that be great, oh hey nice to see ya again thanks for the cup of coffee, oh and here, here is hundred pounds of my emotional crap I’m leaving with you, bye.

The honest truth is that Miriam was operating out of prejudice and ego when she spoke against Moses.  Miriam really needed a good cleaning out of her emotional closet. I so totally identify with Miriam, needing a good cleaning out of my own emotional closet. To be honest I am fairly good at purging my clothing closet and getting rid of stuff that I don’t use or wear any more but that emotional closet that is a tough one. I like it the way it is and its real work cleaning it out.

As a Christian, I am not supposed to hold on to stuff that is displeasing to the Lord. Stuff like ego, bitterness, jealousy, anger, etc… And that is why it’s important to do an emotional cleaning, cleaning the emotional closet of our heart and mind. Facing stuff, we have avoided, coming to terms with stuff we don’t want to, and truly letting stuff go… as a woman that is difficult. We have to let go of the things that bind us spiritually and emotionally because it is those things that cause the most pain in our life, hindering us from growing.

I completely believe had Miriam gone to God and just laid her heart out before Him with all her “issues,” He would have helped her overcome them. God’s desire for us is to be overcomers, conquerors living in victory. In order to do that we have to get honest with ourselves and honest before God. Honesty is sometimes painful especially if we are taking a good long look at ourselves because to often we just like to focus on other people’s issues and not our own if we are truthful.

When my children were little we used to sing the clean-up song. Remember that song? “clean-up, clean-up everybody, everywhere is cleaning, clean-up, etc…” Maybe none of this applies to you, you are emotionally fit and healthy I celebrate you! To be honest I consider myself that too until I was hit with Miriam this morning and then I remember my Tuesday failings and grumblings but overall, I consider myself pretty emotional fit and stable. (Even fit people need to occasionally do a new assessment on workouts, diet, goals, etc.…)

This morning I invite the Lord to search my heart and mind, it is my prayer that His light shine in every room of my mind and that He will walk down every corridor in my heart, leaving no closet un-assessed, that there will be nothing hidden. Good Morning Ladies!

King Saul spent a large portion of his life chasing after something that God never deemed okay. I think there are so many people that spend a large portion of their life chasing after something that they were never meant too. I think it’s a distraction to keep them from where God wants them. The devil uses all kinds of distractions to get us off track. And I think we have this mentality in the “church” that we have to chase after God, as a retired runner I can tell you that eventually this becomes exhausting physically and mentally. In fact, we run to things and from things that God never deemed okay. We are not created to keep up a running pace as a lifestyle. I believe we are created to walk beside God throughout life without running. God will never leave you so it’s not like you are going to have to chase Him down the street. He is faithful and loyal, He doesn’t abandon us.

This afternoon I am going to teach bible at a rehab facility for girls. I have taught boys and girls at alternative schools, detention facilities, and rehab facilities. These are kids that have been chasing the wrong thing throughout their life. Chasing counterfeit stuff that promise redemption and identity. This afternoon I am going to see faces that have lost hope, faces that have been running for a long time, faces that are desperate for peace. It is not a place for the faint of heart because God does some serious work there; I call it trench work. I am not very good at staying in religious circles but I am very good at trench work and often I find myself in the trenches with people. I don’t mind it because Jesus was a trench worker: always touching the sick, teaching the defiant, and finding the lost. Jesus did not hang out with the religious people of the time on the contrary He hung out with the misfits of the time, uneducated, not allowed in religious circles, real messy people.

This afternoon I am going to go pour into a group of girls that have no idea of their worth because they have been chasing the wrong thing for so long they have forgotten what the right thing is. As their coaches and therapists try to reteach them what the right thing is; I will try to break down religious walls that have been put up and extend life lines to them through redemption as we will talk about God and life.

Now traditionally we hear the word redemption and we think “saved” and rightly so but redemption does not stop at salvation. Redemption also means improvement, renovation, recovery, and restoration. That means God does not leave us in the state He found us in, He immediately gets to work on restoring us to who He calls us to be. Redemption does not lead us into a chase on the contrary it leads us to be still as we undergo spiritual and emotional renovations until we are ready for the journey to walk with the Lord. Redemption is not just for the “church.” No, redemption is for all people. Redemption is what brings hope to any and every situation or circumstances. Nobody is too far gone on their chase for redemption. Through redemption we get courage to change, optimism to hope, and expectation that God will show up and help clean up our messy lives. (King Saul could have had this had he bothered to invite God into the mess he made with his life.)

King Saul wasted so much time on a chase that wasn’t leading him to God, I don’t want to waste time on a pursuit that leads me to nowhere, life is too short. I don’t know what you have been pursuing in your life, if you are like King Saul chasing after the wrong thing or the kids I encounter running after counterfeit hope…Today I hope you find some solace in knowing you are called to walk with the Lord; You don’t have to chase after Him. I don’t know about you but these days I prefer to walk over run. You don’t have to run after the Lord, you don’t have to chase Him, slow down, get your breath, and speak out to Him, what you’ll find is that He has been beside you, He never left you. I don’t want to waste a moment of my  life chasing the wrong thing, in fact I don’t want to “chase” after things, ya know. I do want to walk with the Lord on a daily basis and through that walk He will direct me where I need to go.

I challenge you to offer redemption to someone today. Remind them that hope is still alive and that they don’t have to stay on the coarse chasing after counterfeit salvation. Remind them that they don’t have to chase after God, He walks beside them all they have to do is call out to Him…Good Morning Ladies!

Ps. The word walk appears in the bible 222 times. Food for thought.

1 Samuel 30:6… But David found strength in the Lord his God. I love this verse and it is one of my go to phrases. Why? What’s significant about it? David (like all of us) had to learn to minister to himself in times of trouble, times of despair, times of sorrow, times of questioning. We so often want someone to bottle feed us and pat us on the back during difficult seasons but reality is we need to learn to minister to ourselves before the Lord. We have to choose to seek God, seeking God is a choice. David almost made a terrible decision by going and fighting with the Philistines against his nation Israel. The very nation he had been anointed to lead as king. David was caught up in emotion after all he had been on the run from King Saul for some time now and he was considered a fugitive. Just because he was God’s anointed did not mean he was immune to emotions and bad decision making. This is the second time God intervene on David’s behalf of making a bad choice; the first was when Abigail stopped him from slaughtering Nabal’s household.

The devil, a master of manipulation always tries to sell us into some type of bondage. The devil wants us to believe we are slaves to his bidding which always brings turmoil and chaos. We however were never meant to be sold it was not fine gold that bought our freedom but the precious blood of Jesus Christ. Therefore, we are not captives but citizens of the High King. While I identify with the reality of King Saul’s flaws my heart longs to be like King David but the reality of the matter is King David had his own flaws the only difference is he continued to seek the Lord through them. He learned to push through all the hurt and still seek God. I have been teaching on inviting God into your mess for the past six months. What I love most about King David is that he invited God into his big ole mess. David had a messy life but at the center of that mess he bowed humbly and invited God in. Often times we don’t invite God into our mess because we are afraid of His rejection, afraid of how He will react to our mess. We think nobody else has a mess like ours so we keep our mess under tight lock and key. The truth is we all live messy lives including the most righteous Christians!

I have been in a funk these past few months thinking I was not good enough to do a blog, doubting my ministry abilities, wondering what it is I have to actually offer, basically not seeing my worth because to be honest I just get so caught up staring at my mess I become overwhelmed. I am not a perfect Christian and I never will be. I am not one to throw stones from a glass house. Soo, when I read stories about imperfect people in the bible that the church has romanticized, I kind of get a little a giddy. Why? Because it reminds me I am not alone. God uses all kinds of imperfect and misfit people to carry out His will, this gives me great hope! You don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to have your life together, you don’t have to look a certain way (after all I have seven tattoos and a pixie cut)… you just have to desire to know the Lord. You have to invite Him into your messy life no matter how messy it is or becomes. So, as I get ready to go workout (it keeps me as sane as I am going to get) I encourage you to invite God into your mess no matter what it is… NO MATTER WHAT IT IS… seek the Lord and He will find you. Good Morning Ladies!

Today felt like a Monday even though it was a Wednesday. Do you ever have that happen? As a Christian woman, it is always important to me to attempt to display God’s goodness throughout the day. So often people want to display God’s judgment but that was never our commission nor our responsibility. I am not interested in displaying judgment as much as I am God’s goodness. I am reading 1 Samuel, I love 1 & 2 Samuel, it’s some of my favorite books of the bible. I’ve read them many times and each time I want so badly to identify with King David but always in the end I sadly find myself identifying with the ways of King Saul more and more. Oh, I love the Lord and seek Him in most things that I do but inevitably I find myself falling into that “self” mode which usually knocks me right off the path of seeking God. King Saul was chosen and anointed for a specific task- lead Israel as their first king. He did okay at first but eventually he became plagued with “self” which kept him from seeking God. There are many things that he did, too many to talk about without breaking into a sermon so in the simplest terms he became fixated on himself rather than God. The bottom line is he stop seeking the Lord. David though as misfit as he was sought the Lord in every situation. If he sinned he sought the Lord, if he was singing he sought the Lord, if he was in battle he sought the Lord!

Today has been one of those days were I just feel like a big failure. Ever have those days? I opened my mouth when I should have kept it shut, I lost my patience countless times, and I dare say my temper raised its ugly head at least once. Why? I was focused on me and not the Lord. What I love about God is that He loves me regardless of those ugly days; those days I lose my focus on Him and get side tracked on “me.” Today was one of those days I felt like I was a fish out of water kind of floundering around trying to catch my breath. When I finally got still and went into prayer I’d like to tell you I had some magical encounter with the Lord where I drank in His presence but that did not happen. I sat and sat, finally I began to breathe trying to focus my mind on prayer but all I could do was ask Him to let me breathe Him in, just let me breathe You in Lord, let me breathe… You… in… Sometimes when life is busy (and it always is) and the day has been hectic, chaos at every corner and your focus is on “you,” you have to get still before the Lord and seek Him. Yes, I used some bad words, yes, I lost my patience, no I do not feel worthy to sit in the presence of the Lord but He beckons me too… And He beckons you as well. Saul stopped seeking the Lord, he kept going through religious motions but he was not really seeking the Lord. I do not want to be like King Saul going through the motions with an empty heart. No. I pray the Lord will pour into me and repair every damaged area, I pray the Lord will steady my vision on Him. King Saul wasted his anointing. He lost his focus on the Lord and it had devastating effects. I don’t know about you but I don’t want anything to hinder my focus on the Lord. Tomorrow is a new day with new promises and new beginnings until then. Good Night Ladies…

I am so excited (and a little nervous) to finally being doing a blog! If I may take a few minutes to introduce myself (and if you are a grammar perfectionist this blog will not be for you, it may drive you nuts). I am a 40 year old mother of three, associate pastor that has the privileged to work with youth most of the time and women’s ministry. I have two English bulldogs I affectionately call thing one and thing two. Thing one is the Thug and thing two is Lolo. God put it on my heart to reach women because reaching and empowering women and girls is really my passion! I come from a family that has a history of addiction and divorce (being divorced myself) AND God still has a place for me! Incredible isn’t it?! It’s incredible to me. This is not a blog about throwing religion at you, I hate religion. This is a blog about encouragement and biblical teaching and insight. Its a place of building not tearing down. This is a place for imperfect women because I am myself a very imperfect woman! I am excited to see where God takes me on this journey and I hope you the reader will  go with me. LaNissa